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| Storytime, time :) - Image Credit: me as usual with these drawings |
Something that nearly all transgender people will go through is the whole coming out experience. This could encompass a wide variety of things such as discovering one's self and/or coming out to parents and friends.
No matter the situation, it can be of great help to read someone's experiences. Whether you want to learn more about all things transgender or are just plain curious about myself, then this storytime is worth getting comfortable for:
Long Story Not Short
To begin, we have to look at where I was before I realized that I was a trans woman. It all started way back in 2018 when I was still in my sophomore to junior year of college (I can't remember the exact dates so somewhere around that time).
I was being a young adult as any other young adult would be. This story isn't about my hobbies or interests so we will not cover it. What is important during this time, however, is the fact that I met someone who does matter A LOT in this story. This person would end up being the first person that I loved and wanted to start a relationship with.
This person by the name of Sera would literally change my life forever.
Online Beginnings
We met in the main video game that I play, League of Legends. For the uninformed, all you need to know about League is that it's one of the biggest online games in the world. I was playing one match when I noticed that on the enemy team, there was someone with an in-game username that was a nice reference to a show that I watched.
I added them after the game and we started talking about things that we liked and about the match we just played and the game in general. We had a lot in common and became good friends. From more League matches to talking about the struggles of life, we struck a pretty good connection with one another.
Obviously, the person I'm talking about is Sera.
After a good number of months together as friends, we started developing feelings for each other. It just happened really; it's not like I was going on an online dating site or anything. Being a young kid with no real experience at the time (hey it's different for everyone), I wasn't really sure of what I was getting myself into.
Nonetheless, I fell in love with Sera and did all sorts of things to try to poke around and see if she felt the same while also expressing my own interests. She picked up on it all and just told me straight up that due to certain differences and issues, that she couldn't give in just yet and that if anything would ever come out of the friendship, that it would be in the future.
Undoubtedly, I was pretty upset about it all and tried my best to keep my feelings of grief, sorrow, etc. inside of me as any heartbroken person would. Despite this, I kept my spirits as high as I could, holding onto the possibility that we could be a thing together as if it were some sort of fantastical love story with a happy ending.
Realization
Eventually, it started happening. Not true love at first sight falling into place, but rather, discovery.
Prior to this, when I was 13-14, I started having thoughts of being a girl/what it would be like. I explained it in more detail in this post, so if you are wondering about the tea surrounding that, then it's a good read to catch up with.
Bottom line, I thought it was nothing more than just curious thoughts and in addition to other things, was just how I was as a person, nothing more, nothing less. Boy, was I wrong, and this story proved it.
Sera herself is a trans woman. She came out to me some time into our friendship (before I confessed my love) and I was fully acceptive. It didn't make a difference to me; I still loved her the same before I learned about it.
What did make a difference though, was the fact that I started putting the pieces together. Through the information, experiences, and stories that she was describing to me, I became fully aware of the connections between her experiences and mine.
I couldn't ignore the similarities. It was only a matter of time before I truly understood myself.
Once I did solve my internal puzzle, I opened up and told her about it. Now, being a trans woman herself, you would think that she would be totally acceptive and supportive, right?
Wrong.
Taylor, Not Tyler
Sera was less than stellar about it. Why?
Because the person that she knew and grew to endear was no longer. Tyler was who she knew. Not Taylor.
It's hard to explain without diving into every ounce of her preferences, interest, etc. but to sum it up, she didn't like the new me. I tried my hardest to explain to her that I was still going to be the same old person just with some changes (albeit big ones).
She couldn't buy it and bear to accept the outcome. She felt as if she was guilty and responsible for my sudden announcement. She told me that I was "impressionable" and that she merely rubbed off on me and I took on aspects of her.
I responded by saying that it wasn't like that. I explained the feelings I had since I was a teen. I explained how normal cisgender people don't experience feelings like this and beat themselves over their identity, constantly debating with their internal thoughts and demons.
I made it clear that this realization was going to happen regardless if I met her or not. She merely introduced me to it sooner.
Merely wasn't enough. Nothing was.
I had to lie sometime after we ghosted each other about not transitioning. I was desperate to keep her, to not lose touch with the person that I loved so much. It was a really dumb decision but I went with it and for a good while, we actually were enjoying time together as really close friends. Still not dating or anything, but it was enough to keep me happy for the time being.
My lie eventually caught up with me when I couldn't keep it in any longer. Just like that, once the cat was let out of the bag; it was over for real.
There's more to my story with Sera, but for the purpose of this storytime post, I will keep it to that.
I indirectly learned from Sera about my gender identity at the cost of my love for her. Really tough pill for me to swallow back then, but now I've been over it.
Present Day Shenanigans
The stage has been set for the coming out stories involving my parents and friends. To save time, I'll keep it way simpler. They also happen to be way less detailed and shorter by default (at least my experiences were), so it just naturally works out. As such, here they are:
Friends
Fortunately, all my friends that mattered telling were all fine about it. No one left me or anything; they were all good about it. At worst, indifference. At best, extreme support and acceptance.
I was able to casually tell each friend because I knew through my history and experiences with them, that it was going to be smooth sailing. If you want to know more about what I mean by history and experiences, then this post can help out.
Family
To begin, I'll keep it to my Dad. The others were supportive/indifferent about it. My dad is what mattered most since he was going to (and still is) be the one managing the hormones, insurance, financing, etc.
Him only because my Mom passed away in 2017.
I won't get into it.
I remember it being one late night (not sure of the exact date). Several weeks beforehand, I was losing my mind over having to come out to him. I didn't formulate the ideas I talked about in my previous posts at the time since I still was new to everything.
I walked downstairs from my room in complete silence. As I began descending the stairs, I started shaking and started feeling dizzy/faint about the whole situation. I had second thoughts about walking back up into the comfort of my room and the toasty bed that awaited my return.
I had to do it. No running away, tail between my leg.
And I did exactly that.
I woke him up from the master bedroom and lead him to my mom's office. For some reason, I felt more comfortable doing it there. I guess because, in a way, my mom was there with me. Then I began...
I told him. I told him. I told him.
What was his reaction? His response?
Confusion more than anything.
I don't think he really understood what I meant at the time until I explained it more as the days went by. He would ask me questions about it confused as any 40+ parent would be. Even after answering them to the best of my abilities, I was sure that he still felt unsure about it.
It felt as if he truly didn't support it deep down inside. But he placed family above all else. That meant supporting something he didn't necessarily approve of.
Despite the problems, we would work through the confusion and get to the point that I'm at now. I've been on hormones for over six months and I'm not kicked out of the house.
Relief and success to a certain degree? Yes. Perfect? Nope, not even close.
Hmm...
That's it really. There's a lot more I could cover. I won't though since I got the most important ideas out there.
I don't know how to end such a mouthful of my own history. Lots of good, bad, and ugly can make you pretty sad in the end. Happens.
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